The gift of Shame, or being ashamed…

I read or attempted to read a post covering the shame a fellow blogger was experiencing. Funny how some posts reach out to me and most likely many of us. I wish to share a moment of shame I was involved in. I was actually ashamed of my thoughts, reaction and treating a fellow human being in a semi hostile way. All of which I have been battling and trying to conquer for many years.


A coworker in my world is a macho man kind of guy that although not a Neanderthal often behaves like one. The vulgar sarcasm and my patience wore me thin and with much of the stress I have been under trying to rise above my current place in life. Well my friend knows the buttons to push and it has been a game of sorts for a couple of years for him to see what it would take to push me to the point that I would lose my integrity and show the character flaw most tradesmen have. Violent temper and hostile reaction with lack of thought or care unchecked natural destruction of all that threatens or provokes it.


I made a pact of nonviolence twenty years ago, prior to that I was in the eyes of many and most importantly my Lord a violent, arrogant, powerful and very destructive young man. Twice since I have worked with this crew of “ men “ I have had to extend an invitation to the gym for a sporting contest of pugilism or whatever form of physical choice would be their pleasure. Today as in the previous situation the invitation was declined.


After my initial reaction which was very verbal and perhaps more vulgar than these men are used to and never from my mouth and the tone and volume shook walls and rattled windows. I felt the deepest sense of shame, one of the electricians knew my heart. I looked at him and with the faintest tear in my eye remarked “I just went back ten years of hard work and love.”


I went and took a minute of silence and asked forgiveness of my sin letting that evil win again. Then I with the greatest of humility and sincerity went and thanked my friend. I apologized and then thanked him for reminding me how ugly and evil I can be when I forget to just be and live love and goodness. I know that my friends at work don’t understand why I am how I am and why I am ever trying to improve and become. I am to them an anomaly to seek such a way while on the path I am on, they only see what they see my material reality. Half my money goes to back child support even though I never missed a payment and my children are grown and emancipated. I do okay and may desire more however I lack nothing. I rarely complain and share this only to paint the picture they see.


I see ten more payments of 1,000 and my honor, integrity, character held true even when wronged. I see the beauty of my soul as I truly become a Beautiful man and Human Being, I see a child of light and love. I see the depth of reality and the spec I am in it. My reward today was not a step back ten years it was a gift of a lifetimes worth of effort to be what I am supposed to be.


Repentance and shame instantly for an act that should have never happened. The realization of that in my heart and soul says I am doing and learning as I should. Mistakes happen especially when provoked however the way the mistake is corrected and learned is priceless. A lifetimes worth of etched evil and the violent way I used to handle them has been changed from within and will recede from my soul.


I share these thoughts and a part of my world to show first I am genuine at heart to myself and the people I share with. I share this as well to encourage others that may make a mistake as such and say that recognizing the mistake is half the battle. Going deep and apologizing to the offended and yourself is the other half. Shame and being ashamed means time for action.


Thank you for allowing me to share a few thoughts and a smile. I am grateful and hope, we all may share a smile and some love making our world a better place for all we share it with. Please share a smile share your love and be the change positive.


Children are worth our inspiration… They are important for changing our world.

Children are one of my most inspirational influences and should probably be my first. My relationship with children varies with my closeness and knowledge of them. The closer they are to my heart the more inspirational they become in my life. Both dark and light show when dealing with teen girls especially although to admit as I write my inner truth I have the same with boys.

I have at the moment a renewed outlook that I am over the hurdle. In the past I have pretty much had the attitude of the old baseball coach or the dance teacher or perhaps even my old nemesis the math teacher if you will. I care about the child so I push them to win, I push hard and expect much. I push too hard and expect too much. I produce winners as far as school and basic survival yet I fail as with my children to respect myself as well as them. I know better and feel it is important to listen to children and young adults respectfully. A lesson learned before and although to a much lessor degree repeated to some extent resulting in another search for my inner truth.

I have been honest with my children from birth, I also was not thinking or considering any consequences and have no regrets. I have paid in many ways yet been rewarded in my heavenly chest with a treasure more precious than gold, the love shared with my lord and creator. The one thing I did with no doubt in my mind was the right thing to do. I believed that the one person they would be able to trust with absolute faith was their dad. Unfortunately I have a capacity to express some truths without tempering them and with a lack of tact. Even though I was being blunt out of love I should have had the capacity to stop before I spoke and looked in my heart.

Some kids need tough love and some kids need sensitive love, it is hard to at times know what a kid needs and at times they most likely need both. My son and step son even though I was honest with the whatever the question asked even the tough ones about drug use and my dark violent side before their time. My step son was very key in my ending of that demon and witnessed my last physically violent act. Both lied to me for years even though they knew I knew. Boys and girls are different both problems could be handled differently yet have an outcome less than what you expected resulting in many problems within ourselves. The expectations have been a source of doom resulting in a lesson learned and recently repeated.

The outcome for me and the most enlightening thing for me and perhaps for many is that it is our responsibility to share with our children spirituality in some form and teach them to share from the heart. From our adult hearts we know better and we know that the future is in our children. Teach from your heart and lead by example show your loving compassionate side and perhaps they will learn to pray so to speak from the heart and find their spiritual being in their younger years saving them from the fate of forty or so years of soul searching to find it under the piles of dark spirits of creation that they should have never had to create in the first place. Teaching them young gives them light in the troubled times of youth and childhood. One can always look within for love if one knows how and is taught at a young age to embrace the spirit.

It is my hope to change my career and somehow inspire and teach children the power of love and positive spiritual behavior. Perhaps a non-sugar coated loving and evolving soul can inspire positive change in a young persons life and help a beautiful soul along its path in love and the light of our Creator. The ultimate act of respect we can do as human beings is to respect ourselves and others enough make the change positive and become conscious and aware of what is in our souls and teach our children young to nurture their own.

Thank you for your time and I am grateful for all who have an effect on our world and everyone of us does. I hope we can all share a smile and some love helping make our world a better place for all that share it. Keep being the change positive and making our world a better place for all that share it. Thank you again.

I am sorry son

When you were a little one

My beautiful boy my little son


There was a twinkle in my eye, a gift from God up in the sky


I watched you grow and helped you along

Forgetting to sing you a heavenly song


I loved you with all my heart and tried to give you a great start

We went to the church’s that I love most we fished with God up above

A gift of love shared with our earth teaching what life is really worth

I failed you in a major way I neglected to teach you to pray


As the tears fill my eye’s and the guilt forces me to repent

I ask a gift from heaven sent

I love you son with all my heart I ask my lord for his gift of love

To hold you on those cold dark nights I ask to give a gift of light from my heart to yours

I pray for you and love you son I beg for the mercy be taken on your soul

I ask him to look over you and give to you the strength of love and the power of prayer

The failure of mine I ask forgiveness and take my pain


I know you must pay for what you did

I must pay for what I did not

I am grateful our Lord above welcomes us both with love

His mercy is great as is his grace

May his love light up your dark place


Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts with you. Please be the change positive and share a smile share your love and make a difference helping make our world a better place for all who share it.

I am sorry and I love you son I pray for you!

Courage with Love

I met a lady who touched my heart

I started to fall in love and walked away


Afraid of loving  

Many times in the past hurt so deep


In the darkness

I saw the light loving her was very right


She was loving

Gentle and kind with a beautiful mind


I knew when we met

She was a gift of the most cherished kind, a gift of the great divine


I left my dreams of wanderlust behind

I returned and things were fine, then my children entered my mind


We had been through so much

Through it all with a gentle loving touch


I lost you then

Through the ignorance and weakness of men my darkness


I suffered and sacrificed

I knew no other

I felt shame for not appreciating the gift from Heaven

I begged forgiveness and mercy from my lord and put my darkness on the sword


I prayed and cried I wept alone

On my Lords Birthday in the snow on top of the mountain at ten below

On my knees I gave a white rose from us one from me and one from you


Asked for a Christmas wish

The first and only in my life, I felt guilt at asking yet I knew

The wish on my Lords day would make him happy too.

Humility and grace the love of our makers light belief in the magic of love

A true gift from above the lady that I love


Before that gift I didn’t believe

I knew our Lord was up above I didn’t think I was worthy

I was such a wretched thing full of lust and greed

The Lady melted most of that in me she looked at me loving eyes and

Saw the real and beautiful me


For months I waited alone in my solitude

I was changing and learning about the virtues and love

I wept many sincere tears for all the harm I had done

 to the many souls I have touched not thinking about the damage caused

The Dark one I had become

I find myself reflecting now as I wait agin

I slipped as did another

What could I have done so wrong to feel the breath of Hate


I have embraced the light

You and I had talked and felt its loving magic

We both have the strength we both know our special souls


I know you are not the one you’re acting like

I understand the darkness as once again me it did bite

I wait and ask for mercy from the great Divine for both our souls are crying now

I ask for strength and love and our Lord above to heal your darkened heart


I wait with sincerity and love in my heart

Courage and Virtues my Lord as my guide

I ask for forgiveness for the dark things that I have done

I ask for forgiveness for what you felt you had to do

I know the gift of love true is meant for me and you


I wait with dignity making minor moves

Looking for a better way to support the dream and see the many sights

The sights we always wanted to see and the dream of heavenly flights


I pray the time it passes quickly

I hope you will believe

In the magic of love and our Gift from up above

I share my thoughts and feeling with courage not despair. I have faith, hope and belief in love as well as an undying faith and love in my Lord and God, through the Holy Spirit within I have no doubt that the light of our creators love shines in all of us. Let the light shine forgive take the hard road and fix things make things right and cherish all the gifts you get from heaven.  I know that Christmas gift may not last forever yet this one was meant to. We all get scared when we step out of the box and into the unknown. It is a gift when you have a gift to do it with, two hearts or souls in unison with our Lord and his blessings are quite a beautiful force themselves. Forgive those you love and forgive yourself and begin living the love you were meant to have.

Thank you for allowing me to share perhaps a smile and some love. It takes great strength and courage to wait yet the reward in the end is worth it even if it doesn’t go your way. Two are always better than one. Yet one will survive, the light of love shows the way. Be the change positive don’t run away from your problems fix them with love and kindness. 

A question and depth… Perfect?

I have to take the time to ask a question of my heart and as I ask the question I know the answer. Many people especially it seems younger people have adopted this philosophy of you are a perfect you. Or the you are perfect the way you are.

My stepson called about a family issue to comfort me and stroke me because he sensed I was beating myself up over recent events in my life. He expressed all the good that he had witnessed lived and learned in my presence. I agree with much of what he had to say. I did however express that there was room for improvement and I recognized a character flaw or two that I passed on to my children and I need to do the soul work to fix them.

The exploration of ones depths to find and repair a flaw is not the same thing as a pity party or a self-defeating ego trip. It is having the courage to find the light of truth in your heart recognizing that truth and working on converting the truth into positive change within. The attitude and purpose set the loving tone taking the negative and finding the source then loving it and thanking it.

I have been battling my ego with love and trying to win a war in which I may be wrong. I have been reading and researching learning from the masters. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is one of many that have opened my eyes in a new way asking me to find my truth. His thoughts on ego and soul were that we needed to find balance. A different approach may be required and in my heart the thought has weight. Ego free would mean that you in some ways may be a sitting duck, or would it?

I would like to thank you for your allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings with you. I hope some at least got a smile and perhaps a challenge question. Are you a perfect you? I believe that sugar coating is harmful to both our soul and ego. The truth is far more rewarding and educational providing knowledge leading to wisdom. I for one know that I appreciate the opportunity to learn and make change positive. Work on the problem and fix it rather than sweep it under the rug till the rug is as tall as you. The answer is deep within and the light of love will guide you. I am grateful to my lord and his grace allowing me the many gifts of many experiences in life.

Thank you, I hope we can all share a smile share some love and make our world a better place for all that share it. Please be the change positive!

A dreaded phone call… My son

As a parent there are a few phone calls you dread to get and with me when my former wife calls I am usually quite hesitant to take the call. Let it go to voice mail and call after you know what the issue is. I answered a call a while ago thinking it was my son. My children live 2200 miles away and any time I can chat with them is precious.

The voice that responded to “What’s up Sprout” was not my sons. The voice was sad and trembling as it replied “It’s not Jake it’s me”. My heart stopped as I wondered what happened to one or both of my kids. Jake is in Jail she proceeded to tell me and then the reason that followed has brought many mixed feelings to my heart mind and soul.

He is accused of robbery with his “two best friends”. I know my son knows right from wrong and that he is responsible for his actions. As a dad my first thoughts and feelings are of sorrow then guilt. Then an overwhelming feeling that I love my son. I am moved to wonder what caused his desperation and what were the circumstances that lead to this unfortunate bad and dark choice.

I won’t hold myself accountable for his actions. I do wish and accept responsibility for not finding a way to get him to share his thoughts emotions and feelings with me more often. There had to be a way. I am somewhat in shock at the recent turns and events in my life in the last month or so. So much hurt and pain forcing me to purge my soul and find the inner strength and courage to persevere and learn from these hurts and pains my mistakes and make them strengths.

I hope by sharing my thoughts and feelings in such a way that myself expression may help myself and perhaps another. I reach to the depths of my being and look for the comfort lessons and knowledge that I may have power over my thoughts, emotions and feelings through conscious effort and with a loving embrace of consciousness. The conscious soul has a responsibility to its self and to its fellow souls. I melt the coldness and the heat of a cold angry heart with love and wisdom.

Thank you for allowing me to share some of my thoughts and perhaps a smile as I share that even the worst of times allow for growth and wisdom. I ask my maker to look after my son and the lady that chose to leave they both need comfort as much as I. I ask forgiveness and love for all that need it and we all do. I hope we can all share a smile and some love making our world a better place for all that share it with us. Even when we get that dreaded phone call. Thank you again.

My path to conciousness and my belief in magic.

I choose to share a piece of me that is very deep and very much a part of my conscious self. It is somewhat painful to share for some reason sharing intimate thoughts and feelings especially your own truth is only possible for me because of my love of self. Self-expression is a gift that I have been blessed with. I have to question everything and take every road even if it is that dark alley in the bad neighborhood. I have learned many lessons and made many mistakes along the way.

I learned a great many lessons through failed love and relationships, the realization some seven or eight years ago that I had a conscience and a responsibility to my soul and the one that created it was very important. I found consciousness through the words of others and many thanks do I owe and to myself I owe a great debt. The first glimpse of consciousness came through a book about finding yourself through healing your heart by finding the inner light of our creator God as most call him.

The book challenged my perception that had been dictated by religion and the society that helped shape that perception. As a youth I went to church on Sundays and heard the lessons taught and the scriptures read. Thinking my connection with God existed within that Church and the religious rules and doctrine. I knew as I grew into my teens I was headed for hell. The religious doctrine convincing me I was not worthy because of my thoughts and my natural desire to live and learn as much as I could. My natural human and spiritual desire had sentenced my soul to hell?

I had given up on even trying to get to heaven let alone share my heart with God and get love in return well that was preposterous. Yet here it was the concept as shared with many in many languages. The answer lies within, by becoming consciously aware of our inner spirit and our relationship with it we begin to learn to hear the sound of our inner voice that of our soul. That book followed by several communication books and building relationships books had started a new perception and awareness putting me in touch with my true self through many hours and days of combined tears and the stuff that sends one to hell. Confessed to myself and my Lord and the true conscious will and desire to learn a new way. I then read another book thanks to Oprah that book put another perspective on evil and the ego that seemed to reinforce what the other books were saying.

Now we get to the crux of my pain and story Oprah my wonderful friend put another book on her list and well that is where I am at… Getting the love you want, another book, a book by the same author that opened my eyes and challenged me to find my consciousness and find God. The book is one of healing a lifetimes worth of damage through open honest communication in a loving way sharing of souls. In turn healing each other with love teaching compassion empathy and acceptance. Creative resolutions through mutual sharing and discovery of self together building the ultimate relationship and finding love true together and becoming one with each other and god.2

That is perhaps a dream or fantasy however I am first and foremost an optimistic soul and as I do believe in miracles I suppose I believe in magic as well  you know when the guy gets hurt a hundred times by his dream girl and in the end they ride off into the sunset. Or the girl that gets hurt and distressed and her Prince comes from out of the blue and saves her. Hollywood magic and that of fairy tales is part of the wild card factor. I am a wild card kind of spirit hoping to get lucky and realize the greatest gift of all true love of self, true love of another and true love of God through conscious effort and becoming truly conscious of the world on which we reside and the Universe we share with.

I would like to thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts and a smile with you. It is my dream to find that beautiful lady that wants love true as much as I do. Enough to build a strong foundation of trust and faith by becoming conscious and consciously building from the ground up with the expert help of our creator creating the loving relationship he had in mind for us when he made us. Share your heart and a smile forms of positive change helping our world become a better place for all of us that live here.  Be the change positive and help make our world a better place.