I am quite sure that what I share at this moment in time is one of my greatest challenges, as I look in the mirror of myself and my soul. Sometimes one can get so down and so hard that nothing matters anymore or so soft one just wants to walk in front of a bus because nothing matters anymore. There are those days I suppose for many as I read what people share in what they write and the people I have talked to who are in such a way.
I am in a rather awkward position at the moment and wonder with wonder what is next for me, it is sometimes the hardest thing I have to do to look at myself in the mirror of my soul with dignity rather than shame. It is the gift of looking in that mirror that gives the dignity and the love that lets me know it all matters and nothing else matters.
One may have ones money taken, ones roof taken away, the job gone and things just taken be left with nothing other than ones clothes and still have dignity. Circumstances even if they are beyond ones control or ones that are self-created don’t define who I am or who the person going through or having gone through what I am experiencing.
The reason that I am so hesitant is that feeling of shame and fear, yet I am a very beautiful and kind soul so I share a bit of my tale. I am not quite sure how the spiritual Masters of our time would look at me or the therapists and psychological experts would view my thoughts or whether they would even appreciate them. I know there are those who will appreciate and empathize and there are those who will smile and say I am beautiful when they look in the mirror because I shared these few words painful as they are for me to share.
I had thought a few months ago I had turned a major corner and I did only not the corner I thought and not the way I envisioned it. I did however turn a major corner and it is the gift I of self expression I have that compels the sharing of the gift of having nothing and having everything.
I sat last night in silence after speaking with my stepson I have been staying with him and the plans we had have turned a very different direction. He and his wife have a very bad problem, they are drinkers.. And both of them angry mean drunks. The have three beautiful children one is my stepsons the other two his wife’s. I am the only grandpa they will ever know and I love them dearly, the kids are the reason I am here I believe and in a week I am leaving to see my two natural children both of them just had children little girls. I have an urge to call the child services on my way out yet know where they are even though it stinks they do have love for each other and the kids would be separated breaking their hearts and mine.
I was going to go last week I didn’t because I didn’t want to get trapped in the little town my kids live in in PA. I had enough to get a room at a hotel and a bus to see them but not enough to get to San Diego where I may have a job opportunity and if nothing else the beach to write on and enjoy as I pass the time and get the finances to get a place to stay. I didn’t want to see my grandchildren or my children stepchildren included and have to sleep on a park bench. My daughter didn’t want to see me when I was sleeping in my car a few years ago when it all came down on me. My 25 dollar an hour job after child support and the IRS garnishments leaving me with 275.00 at the end of the week and needing half of that for gas money to get to work the next week. She definitely wouldn’t want to bring my granddaughter to visit me in the park..
Well as I sat and pondered and looked at me I don’t feel ashamed, I don’t feel like I am a lost cause I am quite at this moment in time aware of my greatest gift and how I got it. It was given at birth and it is dignity.. the love of who and what I am no matter what I have or don’t have where I am or where I sleep, I am a beautiful kind and loving soul as I was meant to be. No matter what the rest of the world sees I see the world as I love me. I may not have enough loot to stay all week with my kids and grandkids the work with my stepson is in a pause as it takes weeks to get materials and the job he was scheduled to do was shipped the wrong materials. My granddaughter Lillyann is having surgery this week and has been in the hospital for the three weeks she has been alive and I need to see her and hold her.
The hardest thing I did today was love myself with nothing to know I love everything around me and am grateful I get to see my children and grandchildren even if I have to sleep on a bench. I am even more grateful I won’t have to although I may not make it all the way to San Diego.. Maybe Texas, Corpus Christi or Austin.. hell Houston and Dallas both are booming with art artists and opportunity. I wonder if I have learned the greatest lesson of all and I am feeling like I am getting closer.. Love unconditional of every creation in all of creation.. I am in awe! My friend Clark Kent shares his words of love deeply.. I agree start with yourself and the love you will know is as deep as your soul..
Thank you for allowing me to share a thought or two and perhaps a smile.. Love yourself share your love and help make our world a better place for all we share it with. Share a smile and share your love, be the change positive.. Thank you!