Ugly Beautiful the end and beginning


I am in a rather beautiful place and would like to share a thought or two as I reflect on the last couple of weeks. I have to say thank you to some wonderful friends for their support and the heavens for giving me the gifts of those friends.

 

In the adventure of my life several times it would seem I have revisited a particular place in myself as I question my being. These questions I pose to myself as I find myself in a very deep and painful place usually brought about by perceived rejection or abandonment. I shared some conversations in various ways with some very special people, gifts to me and us all in many ways as they share their gifts of healing and insight. I will also throw in a few other gifts like the internet and the access shared by institutions like BMPS and a few other places I have gone and looked at my mental health and personality type.

 

I started looking into my personality type and my EIQ as well as my IQ after being accused of being unstable as well as being as my former wife said” phsyco”. I felt and knew this to be untrue yet had to confirm such in a scientific way. I took every test I could find and even one at Harvard, the Harvard one after 450 questions asked if I would answer 80 more to prove I wasn’t lying. Funny how things work out. I proved myself and they asked if I could be used anonymously as a sample in their case studies. Between Harvard’s test and the Briggs Meyers Personality Test I was quite sure I was not nuts and in fact quite gifted.

 

That brings me to the last few weeks, I have been writing poetic duets with some very gifted people as well a Holistic Healer a Social Worker, a spiritual guru, and a very well-known and respected behavioral specialist. I was quite taken with their shared thoughts and perspective as they look past the outside and witness the pain in my inner self.

 

As I write and express my pain in a positive way through poetry and words my form of therapy shared in a way with others perhaps inspiring them to see the silver lining in life’s pains and the treasures from them I have gained. It is amazing that these friends have shared their thoughts and wanted to help me get to the bottom of these issues once and for all.

 

I have made tremendous progress in dealing with the deepest issue that of abandonment or rejection and even as one friend put it outright betrayal. The truth is as a young man of 8 my father left and I have never heard from him again. In the mind of an 8 year old when your father never talks to you again it causes many issues throughout one’s life that build from that and on that feeling of not being good enough to be loved. After that every rejection builds a bigger wound so to speak and forty years of not knowing how to fix it has taken its toll. I have studied and read books paid thousands of dollars to therapist that merely point to the fact that the answers are within and prompt one with direction to find those answers. I have the answers yet just putting a large mountain aside or knocking it down takes time and effort. I had a great conversation last night and must say the Yi Jing contributed to my realization of the end. The effects of the years of pain have taken their toll on every relationship I have had over the course of my life. I have taken drugs, drank myself stupid and even used sex as an escape from the real core of the issue.

 

I have been afraid of me, of not being worthy of the love I so desired the thought and feeling of not being worthy of love even by myself for myself. It has been a game or charade a mask of happiness shown to the world without being true. I look in the mirror and see my beautiful soul in tears at times many in fact. As I learn and begin to understand who I truly am I truly begin to love me as I begin to truly shine the mask and make up fall.

 

The dark sage as written about by the ancients teaches me who I am and what it means to truly be me, not that I was not a beautiful soul and human being because I am and always have been. It does however teach me how beautiful it is to be me and how to love who I am. The bulk of my life I have sought the approval and love of others, the many women I have loved and not been able to be with for the life and love I so desired to share with them. Through the pain of betrayal and rejection I have been given the gifts of the dark sage that I may learn how beautiful and special I am. Through the love of my friends I have found the dark sage and in the end, the end and beginning.

 

I have often wondered as I searched for me how I could have the same personality as President Clinton and by the Harvard study be a gifted leader that should be running a major corporation and yet not be able to have a meaningful relationship with a lady I loved. The fact is that I was afraid to love me and so where they. I may never be able to showcase my leadership qualities and become President and with my lack of formal education run a major corporation. I can say however I can love me and I can share my love of my fellow man and all of creation with all of the love of my being. As I have knocked down that mountain with the love of the divine that is within.

 

I thank you for allowing me to share some thoughts and I hope that someone may benefit from the long and deep lessons I have learned and learn that the key to living life is loving from within. Please share a smile share your love and help make our world a better place for all we share it with. Be the change positive it begins within and we all share that bond of our love within.