I read or attempted to read a post covering the shame a fellow blogger was experiencing. Funny how some posts reach out to me and most likely many of us. I wish to share a moment of shame I was involved in. I was actually ashamed of my thoughts, reaction and treating a fellow human being in a semi hostile way. All of which I have been battling and trying to conquer for many years.
A coworker in my world is a macho man kind of guy that although not a Neanderthal often behaves like one. The vulgar sarcasm and my patience wore me thin and with much of the stress I have been under trying to rise above my current place in life. Well my friend knows the buttons to push and it has been a game of sorts for a couple of years for him to see what it would take to push me to the point that I would lose my integrity and show the character flaw most tradesmen have. Violent temper and hostile reaction with lack of thought or care unchecked natural destruction of all that threatens or provokes it.
I made a pact of nonviolence twenty years ago, prior to that I was in the eyes of many and most importantly my Lord a violent, arrogant, powerful and very destructive young man. Twice since I have worked with this crew of “ men “ I have had to extend an invitation to the gym for a sporting contest of pugilism or whatever form of physical choice would be their pleasure. Today as in the previous situation the invitation was declined.
After my initial reaction which was very verbal and perhaps more vulgar than these men are used to and never from my mouth and the tone and volume shook walls and rattled windows. I felt the deepest sense of shame, one of the electricians knew my heart. I looked at him and with the faintest tear in my eye remarked “I just went back ten years of hard work and love.”
I went and took a minute of silence and asked forgiveness of my sin letting that evil win again. Then I with the greatest of humility and sincerity went and thanked my friend. I apologized and then thanked him for reminding me how ugly and evil I can be when I forget to just be and live love and goodness. I know that my friends at work don’t understand why I am how I am and why I am ever trying to improve and become. I am to them an anomaly to seek such a way while on the path I am on, they only see what they see my material reality. Half my money goes to back child support even though I never missed a payment and my children are grown and emancipated. I do okay and may desire more however I lack nothing. I rarely complain and share this only to paint the picture they see.
I see ten more payments of 1,000 and my honor, integrity, character held true even when wronged. I see the beauty of my soul as I truly become a Beautiful man and Human Being, I see a child of light and love. I see the depth of reality and the spec I am in it. My reward today was not a step back ten years it was a gift of a lifetimes worth of effort to be what I am supposed to be.
Repentance and shame instantly for an act that should have never happened. The realization of that in my heart and soul says I am doing and learning as I should. Mistakes happen especially when provoked however the way the mistake is corrected and learned is priceless. A lifetimes worth of etched evil and the violent way I used to handle them has been changed from within and will recede from my soul.
I share these thoughts and a part of my world to show first I am genuine at heart to myself and the people I share with. I share this as well to encourage others that may make a mistake as such and say that recognizing the mistake is half the battle. Going deep and apologizing to the offended and yourself is the other half. Shame and being ashamed means time for action.
Thank you for allowing me to share a few thoughts and a smile. I am grateful and hope, we all may share a smile and some love making our world a better place for all we share it with. Please share a smile share your love and be the change positive.