Sometimes in life we all wish we had a reset button, and a way to fix the situation so we don’t have to reset it again. I have had many such times and have been genuine in my efforts to fix myself so that I would not repeat the same behavior or feel the same emotion at least not as deep in my heart. I went against the very grain that was engrained in my being since I was a child. The sins of my fathers etched in my mind and shaped my ego strong were they and strong was I.
I realized as I lived life and became a father myself that I loved being a father. As time went on I learned that I was not the best father and being a father was a difficult and heart wrenching job. It was apparent that like all my other relationships and matters of the heart that there was a problem. The love I felt was not being felt on the other side as I wanted it conveyed or with the depth I felt it. Nor did it seem reciprocated.
I went to see therapists I read a dozen or so books on relationships and a dozen more on communication I even read books on writing sales letters to better express myself, my product a loving man and father. I worked on my mind and my heart worked on my attitude and worked on my words as well as my voice. Such change takes time and tremendous effort as well as a lot of pain and the true desire to go to the very depths and darkest places your soul has ever been. To cleanse yourself of your mistakes and the pain you have caused others is the one of the hardest things one can do. For me I didn’t reach that point until I was 40 many things haunt a soul after so many years of neglect.
It is now that I thought I was so close that I realize the true depth of the damage done all the trying in the world won’t undo that damage. For the majority of my life I have suppressed my deepest pain my pain caused by my father. My deepest most bitter teacher the lesson learned from the love he shared. As I write I wish to share that I am grateful and forgive my father he inspired me to do things different than he did as did my stepfather.
My father abandoned me and my siblings when I was seven or there a bouts, beginning the lesson that would alter my destiny and teach me about love in a most heart wrenching way. I hid behind a veil of darkness and fear believing I was not good enough and when things got bad I would once again be thrown away. My ego took the helm and my heart sank in despair. I muddled through the next 41 years not realizing the true power of love. The light out of the darkness, I thought I knew love, I have felt it for others so deeply that it bordered on obsessed. I have shared love with so many and yet they all walked away. My ego and subconscious battling testing driving the wedge just to see how much it takes to prove that I am not good enough and break the bond so that I may fix the hurt of my 7 year old heart.
My ego searching for the one that wouldn’t walk away… I have been fighting my ego and trying to fix it. Perhaps as I reflect on my many failed relationships it is time to ask a higher power and learn a higher love. I love my father and forgive him. I step back in time and hold that little seven year old boy with the help and grace of my Lord who was there with me at the time and love the pain and hurt away knowing that I was never thrown away. I was good enough perhaps my father was not strong enough or perhaps that was his way of trying not to pass on his sins.
As I learn another deep and painful lesson my 7 year old heart smiles and embraces the beauty of love not only for the one that walks away, but for a higher love of myself given as a gift from my maker, my Lord and the sacred spirit that shares that love with the universe and all that reside within. As a seven year old the love of God brought light and hope to my darkness it got me through many, many dark times. It has reached out and rescued me from despair. I am not going to try and fix anymore it is time to learn and begin anew. This time with the best teacher for the job. Thank you Lord!
I hope that sharing this with you adds depth to my soul and perhaps inspires another to reach for the heavens and make change happen. Care for and nurture your soul love yourself and love others help them feel loved smile and be the change positive. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts and a smile as well as some love. Be the change positive and help our world become a better place for all.