A human side of me, demon, LT. Dan, doormat, and justice… Defiance!

It was one of those very revealing days in my world. Yet the one revelation eludes me and shall I suppose for a while yet as perhaps in the spiritual sense I have not yet found me. I had firm belief and conviction that my core and my heart were of love and my Makers way of sharing his message of love. I still believe it is so yet as much as I try and as optimistic as I am it is getting harder to embrace that my maker talks to me. If he does I don’t hear it as most do and well let me share my thoughts and maybe one who reads this will share the secret with me or perhaps my maker will straighten me out and allow me to smell the coffee.

First I will share that in my mid twenty’s I was beginning to make gains in the material world and had found what I thought was the love of my life. I had a great job made good money and was fortunate enough that my former wife could stay home and raise our children. I made lots of money and provided well for my family. As a Union Carpenter in NY City I averaged 75,000 to 120,000 a year for fifteen years and considered myself very fortunate and grateful.  That life ended with the most painful experience I have yet endured and the loss of my job family and the gift of my children being with me was done. Justice served!

Second in my life I have had three bouts with homelessness once in my teens and two more times after the fall of my family. I endured at least two of the last five years off and on living in my car. I was unemployed for the better part of a year and even though the state of Pennsylvania garnished my wages at my request. I somehow paid my child support and the state garnished my unemployment taking that child support. One year I made only 18.000 dollars of which more than half went to supporting my children and fell behind 20,000 dollars for not making a phone call and telling the court I was unemployed. A 20,000 dollar phone call? Justice served!

I then met a woman I loved and love dearly who loved me with no money and while living in my car traveling in the summer to PA and trying to find a way to be near my children and coming back to Utah for the winter as I could at least sleep indoors and have a shot at work through a temp place as Unemployment was no longer an option. Through an unfortunate turn in events she chose to no longer extend her love my second most painful experience.

I have dated and loved at least 85 women over my life time and the two that I loved most demonized me and choose to share the feeling that I was controlling and brow beat them and called them names. Well my former wife when we were getting divorced may have a leg to stand on, during that time I was hurt and said many things including calling her a “bi#%$&” Since our separating I have never uttered the word nor called her a name. I chose to seek help and through much personal effort changed my being. The latest and the one I had chosen to believe was my last love and unconditionally, we would love each other for eternity. Now demonizes me with the same vile words.  She knows the truth of the fact I never called her a name as she know I have not called my former wife a name. She also knows I never brow beat her nor ever tried to control her, our love was one of harmony.  I respect and love the love I am privileged and those that share it with me. Justice served!

For being a nice person by choice the people I work with and share time with use me as a doormat.  I use today as an example. I make coffee when I get to the job site as well as provide the coffee most of the time, the sugar and creamer as well. Even after asking my co workers to share in the expense that for the most part they do not, I still by nature share even though they choose not to. The coffee pot is always empty at coffee break and I have had one cup all morning. Justice served!

I feel at this point in time as I felt after many beatings from my dad, or like LT. Dan in the movie ‘Forest Gump.”  I have asked my maker for the one love of my life that I may at least not be lonely and alone. I have begged for the first time in my life for mercy on my soul. I have asked that the many people I know pray for my heartfelt wish of mercy and that love find me. I am a very loving person and even after all the shit sandwiches I have eaten I still hold my chin up and have faith. After begging for mercy and still knowing in my heart that my maker loves me as does my Lord I have reached two conclusions. First I will never again beg for mercy or anything as long as I live on this earth just like William Wallace gut me and show me those guts and I shall just like when beat as a child and young man look you in the eye and not give the satisfaction. Hell I am going to die any way! Second I do realize that I have become a man of strength and character as well as a man of love and faith. I do however feel as LT. Dan up the mast of the fishing boat in his rage and his feeling of what the hell do you want from me God? Have I not endured and been beat enough? I am grateful for my life and the love of my maker and so many others yet it seems that when I am defiant I make the most gains and get beat less!

That said I will say thank you and make a vow just as that of never again begging for anything as long as I live say I will not post such a post of negative thoughts and feelings yet this day I feel as I should share my thoughts as such and share the human side of a positive and loving person. In hopes that perhaps after seeing and understanding a little of my world you may see where my inspiration comes from and why I chose to work on positive change from within and share that positive change in hopes that I may help another in a positive way. The majority of my life has been spent alone and lonely even though I have shared the love of many.

Thank you for your time and please share a smile share your love and be the change positive! I shall from this time forward not share such thoughts and will share my smile and the love in my heart given by my maker and be the change positive helping our world become a better place.


2 thoughts on “A human side of me, demon, LT. Dan, doormat, and justice… Defiance!

  1. I commend you for being so transparent. It takes great courage and strength to be able to dish out your feelings and thoughts to share. I know my Pastor always says that God puts you THROUGH storm to get you to where you’re destined to be as God said in Jerimiah. Sometimes we may not understand why our partners act the way they do and we may have something to contribute to the way they act but again that person wasn’t meant for you. As a Christian be thankful that you can go to your Maker and ask for wisdom to make the right decisions. In a marriage there are UPS and downs but just know you can get through them as long as you keep Christ first. Excellent post.

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