One of my personal favorite moments while finding myself was one of great pain and great love. The first step in finding myself, was taking responsibility for my actions and feelings. I have heard many including my brother mention as we discussed self improvement and Psychologists was that his, had told him he was not responsible for his being parented badly. I don’t think that they are responsible for my sadness and depression was his thought. I shared with him a story he knew well and how I got over that pain and the depression I felt from it.
My parents got divorced when I was around 8 years old. My mom dated for a few years only to get pushed away when they found out she had 4 children. She met a man and fell in love as he did with her. Their love is that of fairy tales and reality yet that has only a small amount of effect on my being. The Love they shared is a treasure to me. The resulting adoption and the abandonment of my father had a large effect on me for many years.
My step father adopted us as his own, and in doing so felt ownership for us, I was and am owned by no one. That was my own doing and even though I was a child I still hold some responsibility for the many beatings I took for not just accepting his being my “Dad”. Those beatings started me on a path of hate and the desire for revenge and eventually the desire to kill for money.
At thirteen I decided that I was going to become the worlds greatest assassin, I studied and trained with all the hate and anger in my heart. I was going to exact revenge for every beating and kill him slowly then make my money as a mercenary killing the “bad “people of the world for money. At fifteen I tried to join the French Foreign Legion when I went to the French Consulate they just laughed and told me that the Legion no longer existed.
At seventeen I joined the Army to become a Green Beret unfortunately I had to have a High school diploma and had to settle for another path to get there. While in Germany I met one of my Idols at the time. A mercenary of the highest honor a Legionnaire a man decorated with Medals of Honor and Valor from at least five countries. I was part of an international shooting and survival competition with four other members of my Army unit. As we took in lunch on the last day of competition I had the chance to sit with and talk to my Idol a man that had done everything I dreamed of doing.
He looked in my eyes and we exchanged views into each others souls. I was a very fine marksman and very skilled in survival yet I had a gift he saw that was far more valuable. As he responded to my asking of help to get in the Legion when my enlistment was up he shared a thought, that I still feel in my core as I write this. You my friend are a man with a very special gift and purpose… You were meant to be a man and live a life of love. You are capable of killing yet you are never going to kill for any reason, God has bigger and more beautiful plans for you and your loving soul. As I saw the death he had dealt and the darkness in his soul a very bright and very intense sight I saw as well. His love and his light shared with our maker. His gift to me was one of love and changed my perspective starting me back on the path of light.
My anger and rage subsided when I got out of the Army and saw my “Dad” the first time yet the hatred took many more wasted years to be turned. He knew when he saw me walk through the door as did I that I could have easily taken my revenge yet we both knew I wouldn’t. When I left the home of my former Wife and Children I had such pain and heart ache I knew I had to make things right in my own heart and conscience or drown in pain and alcohol
Taking responsibility was and is a trademark of me. I searched and studied I prayed and I wept I blamed and I learned. I learned that my “dad” did the best he knew how and I learned that through recognizing that I could forgive his way. I vowed to never be as him yet I lived in anger and fear for many years 30 to be more honest. I wrote him many love letters that I would never send the last after his death. I forgave myself for being a child and having no other way than the one I had and for choosing such a destructive path. I spent many lonely days of my life filled with hate and shame when I could have chosen another path.
I chose the path I took as I am meant to learn the many sides of love and the destructive power of fear and hate. It is my responsibility for my actions and my choices through realization and forgiveness, I have learned a deeper form of love that is a true and appreciated gift one I am grateful for. There are many stories of love in my world yet one derived through hate is one that added the most depth and the most empathy and compassion to my heart. I love you Dad and know your smile is large!
I hope what ever path you choose to find your self you embrace a smile and do it with love. For me to remember every beating and every foul word and every demeaning statement was very difficult. Forgiving them when viewed in another perspective, one of love versus the hateful way they were given is easy. He knew no other way and had not the strength to choose another way as strong as he was.
I would like to say thank you, for allowing me to share some of my thoughts and feelings. It is my heart felt wish that you may make the choice to be responsible for your actions and choose the path of love as you evolve and become better human beings. Share a smile share your love and be the change positive. I thank my maker for my conscience and the light of love that is in my core and flows through our veins.