Being responsible and sharing my Guilty Conscience!

It would only be the right thing to do to share my own guilty conscience as I have chosen to share my thoughts of another’s. I am weak and am ashamed to be so weak when I am so strong in the same arena so to speak. I spew words of love sometimes resulting in actions and words of hate. The love I shared with the Queens of my Heart has been to and from my very core. My weakness is to my very core, it comes from an inability to keep my ego in check.

My ego as it is, is my own responsibility much like my guilt even more so as I allow it to control me. My guilt doesn’t control me it inspires me, my ego does the opposite. I read a book that changed my life and allowed me to see another perspective that resonated in my core. My ego is not me nor my core it is at least from my perspective the opposite of my core my core being the gift of my maker and the universe and the ego my dark side developed from my life’s experiences and the examples and actions of those I love and admire as well as those I don’t like and would rather not follow.

As much as I wish I had an eraser and could erase my ego it is not possible to erase such a large part of my being with the wipe of an eraser. My ego is one weakness I have been working on with love to erase and it is a hard thing to do. When my former wife expressed her desire to get divorced my ego took the wheel and protected it’s self by pretending to be my core. Artificial and uncontrolled rage and venom filled my veins and my words ever so powerful when unchecked by my core. My core was in pain and my weakness embraced the power and destruction my ego could wield. All the while my light cowered in fear of the same retribution as I chose to allow my dark side to do it’s best.

The guilt I feel and the sin of my heart is my weakness to accept and keep in check my ego. Even now as I recognize and do my best to let my conscience rule my life I succumb to the pressure my ego exudes. I feel lost at the moment in a state of limbo as I reach for the light yet am weighted down by the anchor of my ego. The loves of my life have suffered for that weight is as great as my conscience and love are light. As I love and embrace the light that ego fights to survive the rejection of those I love is the ammunition that shoots me full of holes leaving destruction and pain.  The pain either is taken and conveyed ten fold on those that have chosen to seek better for themselves for their own reasons bettering who and what they are. Rather than embracing them with love I shoot them down so as to build or project that I am better than what they seek or need. Ignoring their needs is my sin.

I wrestle with my ego often and have come along way since I learned that my ego is not who or what I am yet I have much work to do. I have true remorse and a true desire to make things right in my core some of the damage I have allowed by choosing t let my ego control me is very deep and very severe. The words of darkness and the venom spewed have killed the things that my core so desired and loved the gifts of love and the gifts from my maker. My soul has suffered more than the damage done to others and that damage is very large. My former wife 5 years out of my world still will not speak to me in a civil way and acts out of spite at every opportunity her own ego exacting its revenge and taking its toll on her soul. The Beautiful Lady that just threw me away damaged by my words not so venomous yet just as destructive will not even talk to me at all. My former wife only does so as we have children and that keeps her in my world. My gift and punishment those beautiful children that I no longer get to share my life on a daily basis with in the physical sense anyway the way of my core pays for my weakness of core and the strength of my ego. The men of my world were all of great ego their core I can not judge as that is not my place their egos I may judge as they are not of spirit not of light they are a projected image of who their egos wanted me to see. Powerful strong and very violent were the egos I admired and the examples I chose to follow.

I choose Positive Change and my core to shine and to be me rather than that projected image my ego owns both, are part of my being. My bright side is winning the war yet my dark side still wins some battles. I am ashamed that my weak heart looses the most important battles the ones with the ones I truly love most including my own soul. I am humbled by my maker and his grace and his patience with me as I learn and grow helping me keep that ego in check and slowly taking its dominance away eventually eliminating it from my being. I am grateful for those in my life that accept me and love me ego and all with their compassion and their empathy for my plight. I am sorry to all those I hurt by being weak and would like to say I am doing and making right my wrongs and gaining strength with the help and grace of my Lords words and deeds.

Thank you for allowing me to share some of my thoughts and feelings as well as my love. It is almost Veterans Day and after looking into my core putting my ego in check I choose to honor those of far greater strength than my own that deserve my show of support love and respect. I will do so as I have shared with you by standing tall and asking my political leaders to represent “We The People” as just that and please do the right thing check their egos and represent the 350 million souls that reside here and the many hundreds of thousands of men and women that have died and serve for us to have that National soul. Share a sincere smile and share your love be the change positive.

I would like to recommend a book that may help in your quest to make positive change and growth in your beings. The book is titled “A New Earth, finding your life’s purpose” by Eckhart Tolle. I also would like to thank my mom for conveniently leaving it on the table for me to find and read it was there in my darkest hour and showed me a different perspective bringing the light closer and helping me see its truly amazing power.

Not the one.

My knees on the ground my face in the dirt

The pain in my heart just gets worse

Every time easier it should be

Not for a simple man like me

Humbled even more as each love I found

Crumples me up and throws me down

In front of the well I am thirsty and parched

As the ladle is missing and the bucket gone

The Rope that once held them no longer there

As if they had vanished into thin air

I kneel and I wish I could just drink for my soul is on fire

Water it will not squelch the flames

The burning of my heart felt shame

I want and I need what I got not worthy of love given and got

I pause and look in my soul and realize for me it is all I have

The pain I am feeling the gift lets me know my loss is real

Even my friend time can not heal the damage done

By my not being the one

Jb 11/8/2011