Clarification of a couple of things…


I feel the need to elaborate about a few things first Queens of My Heart second my religion or spirituality.

I have had many Queens of heart yet that doesn’t mean I have slept with all the Queens of my Heart. I have slept with some yet loved them all. I clarify for those that may think it is wrong to have loved so many. I care not about your judgment yet don’t want to give the wrong impression.

Second I will say Jesus is my Lord yet I can not say I am Christian. I do not go to Church in buildings and Jesus was a Jew. If I was anything it would be a Child of God as I am. I embrace the concepts and beliefs of many religions yet none hold my heart. Philosophies hold my heart more than the scriptures of religion.

Just clarifying for those that may be wondering. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts and a smile. Please share a smile and your love and be the change positive.

I will be taking a few weeks off and regrouping my thoughts as to my direction with this blog and my life. So have a great Holiday season and I will be back in the New year with a better sense of direction after gathering my thoughts and meditating with my Lord. Thank you for allowing me to share here as the people who blog here are the most precious and beautiful souls I have the privilege to share with. You are all helping make our world a better place Thank you!

Transparency, expression, perspective and positive change shared by me…


Transparency and expression, I must say that I choose to be transparent in my thoughts expressed and the difficulties of my life to add or highlight the possibility and in fact the real change I have been through. It takes much work and courage to change ones self, the first thing to do is recognize that every day we grow and change whether we acknowledge that or not it is true. I do not dwell on the issues of my past rather take them as lessons and try to grow in a positive way.

I posted a whiney post yesterday so as to share that even when we are “Healthy” we have bad days. Yes I have recently experienced heart ache and will again it is part of the ebbs and flows of life. Accepting such ebbs and flows is part of my evolution and part of the evolution of all who choose to evolve. Expressing my thoughts are my way of sharing my ebbs and flows and my perspective as I grow and change.

I wonder at times the perception of others as I share some of the story of my life and try to share that even though bad things have happened. The choice of what I do with those experiences is the message I chose to share as they have inspired me to take a positive approach and a positive perspective thus changing my being and those I share with. It would be all to easy to just turn to alcohol or drugs and or self pity and do nothing productive or positive to bring about positive change and solutions. It would be the ultimate act of disrespect to my maker and the Universe as well as the gift of love to do so.

I am amazed at the way some people especially the Queens of my heart that they have the perception of being un- worthy of being with me.  I have dated a few police officers that shared such thoughts and I have tried it all, I am certainly not the most law abiding citizen. We are all worthy of each other as we share the same core, our conscientiousness’ our gift of love from our maker above. At our core we are all the same yet outside as well as in our actions we are all different. I tried to express that in a post about polar opposites, me a child of the Dark path and my friend Mitch a child of the Light path. We have done our homework and found our core. At our core we both know that we are the same… Love! The love shared with all that our maker has created from his love.

Science is just finding a mystery particle as they unlock the secrets of “Dark Matter” a Light Matter that previously was unknown and unseen.  You never know what you will find when you try and take action to know who you are. I do, you will find love the love of yourself and find that we are all worth and in fact all the same at the core.

The past few months have been very inspirational to me and have in fact motivated me to seek my next level of evolution and go to school and get that piece of paper that says my opinion and perception may in fact evolve the old school ways in the Psychological and social work areas as when most of those programs and philosophies are from a time before the technology and family life of today where prevalent. In the day of Freud and Jung as well as the greats of the past didn’t have the influences of today’s society and where based on a time when family values and parental up bringing where the dominant way people were raised and moms were the normal parenter’s of children. Not that I consider their ways and knowledge invalid or that they are not relevant as they are studied and enhanced by those that study and evolve those ways. I have the greatest of respect and can in no way compare myself to their knowledge or perspectives. Yet I feel that sometimes we over analyze the box from the past rather than taking action in today’s world and make the change positive in the same world of today. My transparency is out of the box as there is no box!

Today our children most anyway are learning from other sources how to handle their issues and the situations they find themselves in. Much like myself and many others we ask for help and are told “You’re the boy that waits for the respect and acceptance of your Father” or some other drivel shifting the responsibility from self and pointing the finger of responsibility else where. The fact that we are responsible for our feelings and emotions as well as our actions is the important fact and the one I for one wanted to hear. Yes my parents could have parented me better as I could have parented my children better. The fact remains however that I make my choices and I own responsibility for them and their consequences. I choose to be responsible to myself and my core, is myself and make the change positive by doing so.

Thank you for allowing me to share my transparency and my thoughts as I try to show that even in the most trying of times and the most trying of situations we can and I have made the most by putting a positive perspective and a positive foot forward and make the change positive. Thank you again and pleases share a smile and your love be the change positive and make our world a better place.

I am very interested in your perspective and hope you will share yours.

A human side of me, demon, LT. Dan, doormat, and justice… Defiance!


It was one of those very revealing days in my world. Yet the one revelation eludes me and shall I suppose for a while yet as perhaps in the spiritual sense I have not yet found me. I had firm belief and conviction that my core and my heart were of love and my Makers way of sharing his message of love. I still believe it is so yet as much as I try and as optimistic as I am it is getting harder to embrace that my maker talks to me. If he does I don’t hear it as most do and well let me share my thoughts and maybe one who reads this will share the secret with me or perhaps my maker will straighten me out and allow me to smell the coffee.

First I will share that in my mid twenty’s I was beginning to make gains in the material world and had found what I thought was the love of my life. I had a great job made good money and was fortunate enough that my former wife could stay home and raise our children. I made lots of money and provided well for my family. As a Union Carpenter in NY City I averaged 75,000 to 120,000 a year for fifteen years and considered myself very fortunate and grateful.  That life ended with the most painful experience I have yet endured and the loss of my job family and the gift of my children being with me was done. Justice served!

Second in my life I have had three bouts with homelessness once in my teens and two more times after the fall of my family. I endured at least two of the last five years off and on living in my car. I was unemployed for the better part of a year and even though the state of Pennsylvania garnished my wages at my request. I somehow paid my child support and the state garnished my unemployment taking that child support. One year I made only 18.000 dollars of which more than half went to supporting my children and fell behind 20,000 dollars for not making a phone call and telling the court I was unemployed. A 20,000 dollar phone call? Justice served!

I then met a woman I loved and love dearly who loved me with no money and while living in my car traveling in the summer to PA and trying to find a way to be near my children and coming back to Utah for the winter as I could at least sleep indoors and have a shot at work through a temp place as Unemployment was no longer an option. Through an unfortunate turn in events she chose to no longer extend her love my second most painful experience.

I have dated and loved at least 85 women over my life time and the two that I loved most demonized me and choose to share the feeling that I was controlling and brow beat them and called them names. Well my former wife when we were getting divorced may have a leg to stand on, during that time I was hurt and said many things including calling her a “bi#%$&” Since our separating I have never uttered the word nor called her a name. I chose to seek help and through much personal effort changed my being. The latest and the one I had chosen to believe was my last love and unconditionally, we would love each other for eternity. Now demonizes me with the same vile words.  She knows the truth of the fact I never called her a name as she know I have not called my former wife a name. She also knows I never brow beat her nor ever tried to control her, our love was one of harmony.  I respect and love the love I am privileged and those that share it with me. Justice served!

For being a nice person by choice the people I work with and share time with use me as a doormat.  I use today as an example. I make coffee when I get to the job site as well as provide the coffee most of the time, the sugar and creamer as well. Even after asking my co workers to share in the expense that for the most part they do not, I still by nature share even though they choose not to. The coffee pot is always empty at coffee break and I have had one cup all morning. Justice served!

I feel at this point in time as I felt after many beatings from my dad, or like LT. Dan in the movie ‘Forest Gump.”  I have asked my maker for the one love of my life that I may at least not be lonely and alone. I have begged for the first time in my life for mercy on my soul. I have asked that the many people I know pray for my heartfelt wish of mercy and that love find me. I am a very loving person and even after all the shit sandwiches I have eaten I still hold my chin up and have faith. After begging for mercy and still knowing in my heart that my maker loves me as does my Lord I have reached two conclusions. First I will never again beg for mercy or anything as long as I live on this earth just like William Wallace gut me and show me those guts and I shall just like when beat as a child and young man look you in the eye and not give the satisfaction. Hell I am going to die any way! Second I do realize that I have become a man of strength and character as well as a man of love and faith. I do however feel as LT. Dan up the mast of the fishing boat in his rage and his feeling of what the hell do you want from me God? Have I not endured and been beat enough? I am grateful for my life and the love of my maker and so many others yet it seems that when I am defiant I make the most gains and get beat less!

That said I will say thank you and make a vow just as that of never again begging for anything as long as I live say I will not post such a post of negative thoughts and feelings yet this day I feel as I should share my thoughts as such and share the human side of a positive and loving person. In hopes that perhaps after seeing and understanding a little of my world you may see where my inspiration comes from and why I chose to work on positive change from within and share that positive change in hopes that I may help another in a positive way. The majority of my life has been spent alone and lonely even though I have shared the love of many.

Thank you for your time and please share a smile share your love and be the change positive! I shall from this time forward not share such thoughts and will share my smile and the love in my heart given by my maker and be the change positive helping our world become a better place.

Fear the opposite of love and courage or inspiration?


Fear, is it the opposite of love and courage? Or is it inspiration to reach out and become a better you? I have gained and changed my perspective about fear. The common theme I had embraced was that fear was the opposite of love inspiring anger, bitterness and hate for a few examples. Or is it to inspire love and growth positive?

I choose what fear does to me by allowing myself to take the easy path. Or the path I perceive as easy by succumbing to that ego driven desire to be better than that which hurts me or I perceive as may hurt me. The truth for me as I work through my feelings of rejection and abandonment is that I realize I am only such if I allow myself to be such. The fear of not being good enough or not worth the effort is not a truth for me or any other. That is the perception of the other party’s ego perhaps, yet it need not be the perception, I embrace.

Rather than allow my ego based fear to control my actions and emotions I choose to be inspired to find my perspective of self and take responsibility for my feelings. I own my feelings and emotions and choose to love who I am and be inspired by my fears to have the courage to change my perspective and be positive from my heart rather than allow the negative side of my ego to pick for me.

Thank you for allowing me to share some thoughts and feelings I hope that we will be inspired by our fear to be the change positive rather than take the easy way of our ego and go backwards. Share a smile and share you love be the change positive and change our world making it a better place for us all. Thank you again for allowing me to share a smile and some love.

Happy Thanksgiving in my country and I wish everyday in our world.


Happy Thanksgiving! I choose to share a gift I am grateful for there are so many yet a few thoughts fill my heart at the moment.

“I can say not I am humble for every day I am humbled I may say however I have Humility as that is being grateful for being humbled.”

“I can be a Simple man and have great depth as I am but a simple being in a large and simple Universe sharing that depth expressing to me how simple I truly am.”

“Love of my core opens many doors and lets love become my connection to all”

“I am not meant to be a Saint I am meant to find and be me.”

I am grateful for so many things yet I am most grateful for this day and every day we exist and the love that is given for the gift of that day. Every day is a gift and every act of love a treasure, I encourage us cherish them. I am grateful we share our thoughts smiles and love making our world a better place being the change positive! Thank you for allowing me to share some thoughts and some love. Happy Thanksgiving I am Grateful you are here!

Opposites? Or part of the whole making us the same…


Sometimes the most amazing things happen when you least expect them and in the most unexpected ways. Through destruction and pain new insight is gained and depth added to our beings it sometimes takes your polar opposite to realize the impact on your core even if you know your core. The most beautiful part of such discoveries are the discoveries and those you gained and shared them with.

I had left the house out of need I had been too long dwelling on a painful loss. As I left I decided to stop at a local grill/bar Chilli’s actually. I currently reside in Utah a very religious state and one where finding a place to have a drink is not so uncommon yet there are not that many close to where I live. I was just out for a beer and a shot anyway. There were very few people in the bar and as that’s where I sit I felt lucky, and the Barmaid was a very Beautiful person as was the man I met.

Opposite paths to the same realization and a love shared that I never expected especially in such an un accepting environment. His name is Mitch and if you had seen us you would think you knew that we were opposites. Our discussion at first was of the typical man to man interaction and sports, he was a Laker fan and I although not really a sports junkie can carry on a conversation none the less. He then mentioned a few things that surprised me. He was a graduate from BYU a religious institution of higher learning and that they almost lost a bowl bid because of the lack of alcohol in their stadium.

I chose to express my thoughts of religious intolerance and that the Stadium wasn’t a church or temple that is when I was given a true gift of love. He was the first religious man that I have personally met that truly hears the message in the books he so loves and lives. I am in awe and a state of humility and gratitude for the love and lessons we shared. He joined his faith from his heart at 13 I left that same faith at the same time.  He chose a path of religion and faith I chose a path of a darker nature yet we were at the same point in that we had found our core and the love and light within.

I had the concept of opposites in one way yet he shared with me a fabulous insight that I knew and as he shared I embrace. Are not such as I perceived and his truth added this to my core. Yin and yang balance on the core they embrace the core as equal and harmonious parts of our life and in fact are not opposites at all. They compliment each other and are part of our world one and the same part of the Universal whole. An Eastern philosophy I have embraced in my core yet brought to true light. With  what on that on the outside and to the rest of the world would be my polar opposite. He had taken my concept of such and turned it upside down adding such depth that my core acknowledges as true… We are the same! Part of the whole connected at the core, yin and yang is in all of us and our universe.

We shared many thoughts, I shall visit in the future, I am very grateful for that gift shared from our Maker. We were meant to meet and share the thoughts and feelings of love the most awesome and powerful force in the Universe. I must share the thought and the importance of being open and communicating especially with those that we may perceive as our opposites as they add depth to our whole and in fact are not opposite at all as we are all connected, and have dark and light inside our being, just as our Universe has dark and light… Look at the Heavens and know with your own eye’s and your core.

He was at first in fear of sharing his core and as most religious people are not willing to confront and embrace their darkness. As I knew he had found his core he knew that he was safe to share and acknowledge he had. One that has found his core I shared has embraced and accepted his darkness as well as his light. He knew at that moment as had I that our love shared would add to our gift from our Maker.  My depth was found as the result of finding my core on a darker path his was found on a lighter path yet in the end we share a truth. There are many paths to finding yourself your core and the message is heard when you do so.

Thank you for allowing me to share a thought or two and I would encourage us all to communicate more as fear of being different or unaccepted is silly. We are all different yet we are all the same connected at our core with the bond of our maker and our Universe the gift to all the light and love of our core. Share a smile share your love and be the change positive help make our world a better place! Thank you again for allowing me to share a smile and some love the most cherished gift we have and the most powerful force in our Universe.

I am a fool!


I am a fool and at times an idiot! When in doubt I should always refer to yesterdays post. Or the Rolling Stones… “You can’t always have what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need!

Thanks for allowing me to share some quick thoughts as I realize I need to get out and have some fun! Wild Turkey 101 and beer sweet dark beer! Please share a smile and your love and be the change positive. Thank you again for allowing me to share a smile and some love the most powerful force in the Universe.