Black clouds are for rain and rain helps things grow.

I will begin this post with an apology as I have been very remiss in my writing on here as of late. It is a gift that I have this venue to express my thoughts and feelings, even more of a gift that I can share with those that stop by and read my page.

I had intended to share my upbeat positive attitude even in times of great despair and difficulties. We all experience hard times and in many varied ways. For some the challenges of those around them seem small and of no consequence and their own challenges seem overwhelming. It is the experiences of my life that help me understand that all of our challenges can feel overwhelming even the smallest at times can bring a strong person down. I consider myself a strong person not just physically but in my heart and spirit where it truly matters. That said I choose to share what I have not shared for the last few weeks. Partially because the negatives and pride have made me scared that the message I shared would be negative and make my story sound like that of another whiner. Through my maker and his son I have gained the strength to share my own truth and hope that it may help another find comfort in a time of what appears to be desperation.

The first day of July was all fireworks in my personal world. Fireworks may be a poor choice of words as it was really more like a small bomb. My son called and needed to get away from his mother, she and he had been fighting for weeks. He had been sleeping in the cemetery rather than at home, stopping by during the day while his mom was at work to eat, shower and gather supplies for the day ahead.  They had been fighting over many things and unfortunately for both of them my son is much like me. It is both a gift and a curse to be strong willed even if it is for what we consider the right reason. My son’s biggest complaint is that his mom yells and curses at him, he feels disrespected and yells and curses back. Many times since that young man was born I have said to him two wrongs don’t make a right.

The situation my children and I are in is one of great change and very difficult for all of us especially my son. His father the man he trusts most has lost his place at the table, lost his job, lost his home, lost his friends and it must appear to him at least that his dad has just lost. I have been chasing that ever elusive rainbow from one side of the country to the other for the last couple of years. From Pennsylvania to Utah for a 16 dollar an hour job that would only last a few months. From Utah to Pennsylvania for a 12 dollar an hour job through a temp place that could become permanent but didn’t. Back to Utah so my children wouldn’t see their dad sleeping in the car through the winter…. (My foolish pride was the real reason). What a fine role model and father I have been in the eyes of a fifteen now sixteen year old young man. Not to mention or lessen how that has affected my beautiful seventeen year old daughter. It’s just that the last few weeks my son has been with me in Utah and as much as the time was a gift the toll was heavy on my soul. The toll still is being paid as the saying goes “If you don’t pay the ferry man you can’t get to the other side” and will be paid till I die. The treasure at the end is that as a lay dying waiting to look my maker in the eye is that I paid my toll with love in my heart.

It took many miracles to get my son out to Utah. The first was getting him to even consider leaving his friends.  He is fifteen and at that age friends are your world, these young adults are just starting to really recognize who they are and who they want to be. My son chose to “visit” his dad over hanging out with his friends. Second I had to pawn everything of value I had and thanks to a very special friend some of her less treasured treasure as well. Third I knew that I had to sell my car to finance his trip home, to make it more complicated part of the deal was that he would not have to fly back to Philly alone. He didn’t like to fly and to be honest neither do I. I had a Mustang that was worth 5,000 and figured I would sell it buy a cheaper car and have cash for the trip and give my kids school clothes money. Not only that, if I drove him back to Pennsylvania we could see his brother and his family in North Carolina.

The month and a half went quickly and it was a time I shall cherish and remember when my son and I reminisce about it years from now. The highlights of the summer while he was here were many the big three were precious to me and him as well as my Grandma and mother. Two of them were at one of my childhood fishing spots a place in central Utah we called Scipio as kids when my family used to go fishing there. The first time we went we, had no money for fishing licenses and just went to be out in nature. My son and I pulled trash out of the creek for an hour and a half then realized the National Park service neglected to put any garbage cans in the park or campgrounds. That included the restrooms where I eventually deposited the two armfuls of trash I had and the armful my son had. I was so proud of my son for just jumping in and helping me pick up the refuse that was destroying such a beautiful place. The second time we went a couple of weeks later we went fishing. The feeling of happiness when a person catches a fish especially when it is an occasion that you will remember for the rest of your life will beam out like a ray of sunshine. I was blinded with happy and love while I observed my boy catching one after another, putting back the small and those we thought we wouldn’t get to eat. He caught a native Cutthroat and put it back because it was so beautiful glimmering like gold and still just big enough legal to keep if he chose. The third was cooking those fish for my son, my mother and my Grandmother and sharing those fish caught and given with love.

This is becoming a rather long post so perhaps it would be better to break this post into parts and continue next time… Thank you for stopping by and allowing me to share some thoughts with you I hope we all can take the constructive path rather than the destructive. Love brings about positive change!


2 thoughts on “Black clouds are for rain and rain helps things grow.

  1. I’m all misty-eyed after reading your post. Words fail me to express what I’m feeling right now (especially because English is not my native language:)It’s so great to see how people like you, do not give up in the face of such enormous challanges. But become stronger and even more loving and compassionate. Thank you so very much for sharing your story with us. I really, really appreciate it and wish you all the best and only the very best.

    • Oh thank you so much for your comment and the smile it brought as well as your wishes. Its all good and should you shed tears I hope they are tears of joy. I have shed enough tears of sorrow more than one should perhaps yet the river of life needs both tears of joy and sorrow to flow as nature requires. Thank you again and just so you know this story has a happy ending.

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